It’s been a whirlwind these past two weeks. I was up and down (many thanks to PMS), leading me to do some major reflection.

As I bade 2011 adieu, I decided to stop being a wuss and seek after what I like…what I love :)

Everything comes to you in such unexpected ways…well, at least, for me.

I admit: I have too many crushes. Many boys, some girls.

Crushes are admiration. You admire them for something they possess or for who they are. 

It started that way. And then, before I knew it, I can’t stop thinking about him.

I feel like a love-struck teenager all over again. The similar feeling I had when I was 16. 

When I was 16, I fell head-over-heels for this boy. We started as friends, and then when I told him I liked him, everything crumbled. 

The boy disappeared from my life, only to be reunited through this social networking site called Facebook. 

Well, he is one of my friends but we never get to talk like we used to. 

Three years has been too long. And those years change you in so many ways.

I got over the boy, but I can’t seem to move on. I was afraid to open my heart again and have it broken all over again. 

Needless to say, I have serious trust issues. 

Pardon the pun: trust me. I have treasured people in my life, and they ended up breaking my heart. 

It’s not just this boy. A significant person in my life also broke my heart. I stood up for this person. I even fought for this person, only to find out that this person has been lying to me all this time. 

Anyway, I don’t want to bore you with the depression of my life, but as you can see, I do not trust people right away. There is motivation in every action a person does, and to me, I usually assume that it’s the bad one. 

Until recently I met a couple of people including this person. This person has the warmest smile I have not seen in a while. It’s the kind of warmth that makes you want to stay.

I feel so silly…not that silly kind that makes you feel ashamed or stupid…giddiness…the anticipation of seeing that person who makes you feel alive every single day.

It may disgust you to read such sugarcoats, but this is exactly what I feel.

I wake up every morning, hoping to see how well he’s doing and how he’s been. 

I’ve had too many standards, too many DOs and DON’Ts on dating, the ideal man, etc., but with this person, I’m beginning to see that it’s more than just the ideal.

“You mesh. You have to mesh.”

For the first time, I realized that I can be myself with this person. 

I’m tired of hearing that I should pray and wait for the right one. What if the right one is just in front of you? 

I am not religious. I just pray a lot. And I know that God will give me the right one…if ever that’s His will (I have considered the possibility of forever-singlehood but I do not feel that it’s what God wants me to be…nonetheless everything can change…)

I no longer believe in the archaic practice of men wooing the women they wish to be with. I also do not settle for the practical. Hell, I’m not that desperate.

Can I be friends with this person? Yes. Absolutely.

Yet I probably will want more. 

In fact I want you.

My heart flutters. I wish to see you every day. I want to be your friend, your best friend, your confidante, everything I can be. 

I hope this does not scare you away…in case you get to read this post. I’m just really trying hard to overcome my helplessness. I’m still trying to take heart and gain confidence in whatever we have right now. 

It does not have to be now. In God’s perfect time, I wish to be with you. 

A smile that pierces right through the soul.

Eyes that glimpses into the unknown.

Happiness abounding in every corner,

I wish to be with you from this day on. 

Oh, Lord. May 2012 be it. 

This is it. No turning back.